When Analytical and Creative Collide...

"I have no special talents.  I am only passionately curious."

- Albert Einstein 

I suspect that I am experiencing one of many vicissitudes of life.  Unbeknownst to be, it's been taking place for about six months now.  It's been slowly building, though I've only been in a state of anxiousness for about two to three weeks.  I even considered seeking some professional help today, but I managed to calm myself down and organise my thoughts and look a little more deeply into my feelings to ascertain where all this anxiousness was coming from.

In my latest post I admitted that life is too good...and it's wonderful actually.

So why am I so anxious? 

Regardless of how well we think we know ourselves, at times even we can confound ourselves.

Why is it hard to seek help when you're seen as the strong one?  I think it's because when you're a high achiever, you have that expectation of yourself that you will always find the solution.  And you project a persona of such strength, coolness and calmness that others around you naturally assume you have your shit together 100% of the time.  Nothing could be further than the truth.

Most of the time I actually do have my shit together in a general sense.  Though there will always be areas of your life that need work.  Not every part of your life can be in balance 100% all at the same time.  There's always stuff we're working on in our lives.  Sometimes we drop the ball and then it becomes a mad scramble to regain control.

If you haven't noticed, the feeling of my blog has changed in the last six months or so.  I haven't much written about anything resembling health or fitness.  I've been struggling in the headspace department.  The fact is, I've got to a stage where I've figured out what I need from my training and nutrition.  There are no longer any surprises.  It's fairly simple really - train hard, train consistently, eat clean, and oh....rest!  I know what works for me and what doesn't.

Yes, there will always be more to learn when it comes to training and as my body gets stronger, but the routine of fitness is no longer a mystery.  It's so simple I could do it my sleep.  And that's where the problem lies.  Why is it we like to complicate the simple? 

I read somewhere recently that human beings abhor a state of equilibrium. That it's in our nature, and we derive pleasure from constant change, whether subtle or otherwise.

Order and routine in my life I need.  Without it, nothing would get done.  And action ensures that I am achieving my goals and getting things done.  I'm a person of action. I love making plans and I love seeing and analysing the results.  I would not have achieved what I have unless I was a person of action.

Yet, I am also a very creative person and sometimes routine stifles my need to be creative.  This is where the analytical side and the creative side collide.  And this is what's happening at the moment.  I think I'm in another creative phase in my life.

I haven't touched my pencils or paints for over five years now.  Ever since Philomena was a baby.  I miss that creative outlet, but as long as I have other creative pursuits in my life that's okay.  Creative for me is gardening; house planning and design; interior design and decoration.  It's a world filled with creative licence - colour, form, balance, style and form.  And most of all, it's about creating surroundings that embue your very essence. 

It's been the vege garden, the composting; the trees, birds, butterlfies, family, friends and food; decadence rooted in simplicity; the tree swing; sharing good conversation and laughter; observing beauty in doing simple, every day tasks; contemplation of all things beautiful and sublime.

It's about self expression and having your life and your home speak who you really are. 

It's about realising your dreams as a kid (being creative) whilst supposedly maintaining your visage as an adult (stifling creativity and imagination).  Striking a balance is a constant challenge.

So here I find myself, craving passivity yet at the same time having the need to create order and discipline in my surroundings. I do this now, so that I can indulge in the decadence of time-wasting, observation, daydreaming and contemplation that creativity demands.

Now all I need to do is work out how I can schedule both order and discipline as well as creativity in my life.  Now that is the real challenge - finding that balance.  I wonder whether I will ever find it again soon.  Because there have been times I have been content, and I realise that contentment is that balance I seek.  And it wasn't that long ago I was content - only last year in fact.

Right now...today, I'm on strike.  I can't face the thought of training or thinking too seriously about what's required for me to push through this current training and nutrition rut.  I mean, I haven't fallen off the wagon, but I'm just over the energy of being so 'on' all the time and my headspace is just not conducive to training.  So unlike me.  I need a break.  I'm not doing anything stupid.  I no longer binge or feel the need to comfort myself with food.  I've grown up a bit now.   I just need 'time out'.   

Of course I also know that 'this too shall pass'.  Fingers crossed it shall pass within in few days, and I'll have worked out how to schedule into my life on a regular basis, both order and creativity. Ahhh...I feel so much better already. 

When Life is Too Good

Sunday Breakfast on the back patio, eating pancakes and drinking tea - pure decadence!

The last week which saw my 43rd birthday was what you could perfect...mostly.

This is what it's been like the last couple of weeks. Undulating between perfect and frustrating.  The thing is, it's all my fault.  Life for me is fantastic, but sometimes we can fail to see it when life is just TOO good!   That has been me lately.

A couple of weeks ago I was feeling very tired.  Self-inflicted overtraining.  I go too hard too quickly.  I pulled  back the reins though the tiredness and frustration remained.  I haven' even felt like training this week and dragged my sorry arse to the gym yesterday!  I still managed a mostly strong weights session, though squats are frustrating the hell out of me at present.  I'm still a novice and it's a learning curve.  It's not a great head space, and so unlike me, but when that happens I know it's time to stop and take a step back and look at why.

Knowing myself so well now, it's a constant battle to maintain balance in my life.  On one hand I like to train and go hard; keep the house tidy, stay on top of all things domestic, and yet on the other hand I like to relax and have time to smell the roses.  In order for me to maintain this equilibrium, I have to schedule times within my week and month to ensure that I keep it all humming along nicely.

With Christmas, New Year, and with all the rain, things have slipped behind on the domestic front and with such a large yard (which I wanted), it's more labour intensive, and I have a back log of work to catch up on.  Another mountain of weeds; washing things like bedsheets and furniture covers, etc which had to be delayed due to all the rain.  So that's just life, but it all just got a bit overwhelming for me.  It's times like these that I realise I need to physically stop and take stock of things.  Training, as much as I love it (except or the last week), sometimes has to be put on the back burner so I can get all the other stuff in my life back to a happy medium and humming along.  When I've got all this squared away, then I find I'm back in a better place, headspace wise and can then focus 100% on my training AND enjoy it!  When I lack motivation in my training, I know it's time to slow down for a while. 

So today I'm not training.  I'm catching up on house and yard work and preparing my stuff to start back at Army Reserves tonight.  At this very moment I'm sitting out the back patio listening to the whipbirds calling, lorikeets screeching, birds chattering, the chickens scratching in amongst the plants, classical music, and while I'm drinking coffee.  I'll grab 10 minutes of some quiet reading when I've finished this post, and then I'll be hanging out more washing, cleaning the kitchen and getting some much needed housework done.  I feel better already, and I'll return to training tomorrow morning.

The Lighthouse, Byron Bay

Breakfast Fresh Cafe, Byron Bay

Last Friday couldn't have been anymore perfect, and secretly, I think I need a whole week of doing what I did on Friday...sweet F'All!  I lay on the beach reading; pottered around Byron Bay shops and ended up at Mary Ryans Bookstore/Coffee Shop and spent about 2 hours in there looking through books and reading - it was pure bliss!   I bought two great books - 'Principles of Home - Making a Place to Live' by Kevin McCloud (the guy who hosts Grand Designs on ABC TV), and 'A Slice of Organic Life' by Sheherazade Goldsmith.  Anthony and I in amongst that had some lunch and in the afternoon we met up again and had a great coffee (Campos coffee) at the Breakfast Fresh Cafe (pic above).  We then drove up to The Lighthouse and the walk was great and the scenery spectacular and refreshing!  Anthony and I then drove back through the hinterland and finished the day late into the evening, eating pizza at Mt Tamborine before going home and falling into bed.  It was THE perfect birthday!

Come Monday morning I was despondent and not looking forward to going to the gym!  The warning bells are sounding and it was time to take note.  Mind you, apart from squats I had a great session and did my best pull-up session.  I decided to ditch my resistance bands and managed 4 sets of 5, 4, 4, 2 reps of unassistd pull-ups.  My best yet!  My lats are nice and sore this morning.

So this morning I'm taking some time out to get some much needed 'other stuff' done and I'm taking a little time out to stop and enjoy what I already have.

I've been frustrated because my weight hasn't budged beyond the 60kg mark and I've been whinging and complaining to myself (and Anthony...and Liz...sorry Liz!), but you know, things aren't so bad when I put it all in perspective.  I am the first to admit that I am too hard on myself sometimes and I expect too much of myself.  I need to lighten up!  And I need to remind myself to lighten up.  I also need to organise myself alot better than I do.

I'm still in pretty good shape.  I'm looking good and feeling healthy and fit.  I have a beautiful family and home and lots going on in my life to occupy me.  I am truly blessed.  So enough of whinging and complaining!  Time to get on with it.

Finding Comfort in our Discomfort

"Definition: a Paradox is a seemingly true statement or group of statements that lead to a contradiction or a situation which seems to defy logic or intuition. The term is also used for an apparent contradiction that actually expresses a non-dual truth such as two true sentences which put together seem incompatible as both being true."

- Wikipedia

The photo is of practicioners doing 'discomfort yoga'. It looks very uncomfortable to me. But I'm presuming that people do this kind of stuff thinking that it's supposed to be comfortable (eventually)?

So today I'm expanding on my last post in relation to challenging yourself. Funny how simple conversations can lead to deeper thoughts. The conversation which led me to think about Finding Comfort in our Discomfort, was one that I had with a woman in the gym on Monday, after our cycle class.

Craig, our usual enigmatic instructor was nowhere in sight, and a young female instructor came in and announced that she was taking over the slot and then proceeded to play crap music, at which time I knew we were in for a crap cycle session.

Not only did she instantly put us off with her choice of music, but basically began to tell everyone that they needed to all be cycling at the same level of resistance and exactly what that level was (Craig points out that we are all at individual fitness levels and to work to whatever level you are, with the aim of always improving your effort and results). She never asked if it was anyone's first session (Craig always makes a point of doing this, and showing them how to set up their bike, etc), and I doubt whether she'd taken the time to find out more about Craig and how he ran his classes and how she could help with a smooth transition. She also gave the class a kick in the guts during the session, saying that we weren't trying hard enough and to push harder...WTF?

One woman walked out during the class, and you could guess at how lively the conversation was afterwards in the little girl's room. So anyway...the conversation with one woman...

We were talking about how the sudden change in both instructor and the way the class ran, instantly made us all feel uncomfortable. We've become so used to how Craig instructs - his upbeat personality, lively banter and enthusiasm, and his awesome ability to choose and arrange his tracks in a way that motivates and inspires us. When we're in that cycle room, he makes us think we're out on the road, and we're in the race of our lives. Whether it's pacing, racing or tackling those mountain climbs - we're right there with him.

So when our cycle session began, I was loathing it. I was observing all the negative thoughts running through my head, about the crap music and how boring the session was going to be. I had built up such an expectation of my Monday morning cycle class, because it's the first thing on my training schedule for the week that I use to get me pumped and motivated for the week ahead.

A truth then struck me: When something happened that changed my expectation of what I was about to experience - an experience I was normally comfortable with...I became uncomfortable.

I began to inquire into the reasons I felt this way, and realised that my discomfort was born of comfort. Comfort in my routine...comfort in my expectations...comfort in knowing how the session would be instructed...comfort in knowing what lay ahead when I cycled in one of Craig's classes.

I then looked at the reason why I was actually here in the first place, and it dawned on me that I was looking for the wrong reasons and that originally I started doing the cycle class to experience a level of 'discomfort' I hadn't known before.

It was in doing something different...something I found challenging (because my legs at first were quite tired) that made me want to try Cycle classes in the first place. I knew I had to work on improving endurance in my legs. I first found it challenging, and I still do because I always push myself and work on improving...increasing my level of resistance...doing my best on pace work, which I'm not good on. But now my legs have become stronger and my endurance has improved, I no longer view my sessions as being uncomfortable.

So with this realisation, I decided that I would forget about who was taking the class, and the crap music, and focus on the real reason I was there. To get uncomfortable and to push myself in a different way. Not only physically (because she did push us hard!), but to push myself mentally and to challenge my limited thinking.

We become comfortable when we train our thoughts in ways which see us placing limits and boundaries on them. And we need to recognise when we're doing this, because it stops us from experiencing new things and therefore limits our ability to transcend our current level of existence.

If we want to make real and lasting progress, and move forward as a person, then we need to embrace discomfort, because it's only then that we really understand and appreciate the comforts we are gifted with. Therefore, I find comfort in my discomfort and I'm excited every day by the possibilities of what I can achieve and experience...now and into the future.

Do You Challenge Yourself?

“Opposition is a natural part of life. Just as we develop our physical muscles through overcoming opposition - such as lifting weights - we develop our character muscles by overcoming challenges and adversity.”

- Stephen R. Covey

Today I started back in my normal routine, and every Monday I start with a GoCycle session. It's a great start to the week, and it puts me in the right frame of mind - one of motivation and determination.

Upon leaving, Craig (my gym cycle instructor) asked where I'd been, to which I replied that I had been in Albury/Wodonga doing my AR training. One of the class members who was still there piped up, and asked what it was like, as it was something she had been thinking about doing, and wasn't too sure if she was too old now. I told her the cut-off age to join is 55, to which I think started the cogs turning in her head. She proceeded to ask me lots of questions about what it was like, and how hard it was physically, etc, as she was now 46.

Michelle (her real name) is a regular gym member and she attends alot of cycle classes as well as doing other cardio and numerous classes. She strikes me as someone who is not afraid to put in hard work and is always striving to get fitter.

Anyway...during our discussion we talked about 'challenging yourself', and how when you get into your 40's, that you either tend to have an aversion to challenges, or you embrace them. It was obvious that we three believed strongly in rising to the occasion and doing things to constantly challenge ourselves, both physically and mentally.

However, I was surprised to hear how some people that Craig talked to did not even understand why you would put yourself through the hard work and put yourself in a position to push yourself physically and mentally. For many, the thought is totally foreign to them, and a life devoid of challenge is much more appealing, because it equates to comfort.

I find that somewhat sad. The reason I find it sad, is because so many people are not living at all and live so far beneath their potential. I know it sounds strange, but I think if you can challenge yourself and know what it feels like to push yourself and be pushed to your limit, you find out what you are really made of, it can make you appreciate the life that you have. Challenges I believe, lead to doors of opportunites you would never have dreamt of. What you can achieve then becomes limitless.

When you get comfortable, you tend to get complacent about what you have. Not just in a material sense, but also in the sense of the skills and qualities that you already possess. Also, I know that in the midst of whatever it is that I am enduring, that if I can get through that challenge, that anything else is easy in comparison. I know I can endure most things.

That's what it was like when I went to Kapooka for my basic training. It was one of the most challenging things that I've ever done - both physically and mentally. And it wasn't necessarily because I wasn't physically strong, but I found it difficult because I'd built limitations within my thinking that held me back. I had put limits on what I thought I was capable of doing, but it came as a shock, because I hadn't realised it until then. Until I was put to the test, and put in a position of taking risks I didn't know how I lacked the courage to put myself on the line and have faith in my own abilities. I thought I was braver than that, but I was disappointed to find that I wasn't as brave as what I thought I was. I was too busy trying to survive and keep under the radar.

So for me, the challenge at first was about physically being able to do what was required. But as the weeks wore on, I realised that the physical was only the start. The real challenges were overcoming the mental limitations I had placed upon myself.

So that is why I continue to do AR. I've learned through putting myself out there and being willing to step outside my comfort zone that I am quite capable, and I've overcome some significant fears and limitations. But it's only through putting myself through that fear and feeling the stress of not being able to do things perfectly the first time that it's happened. It's happened over time. I've stuffed up alot and looked like an idiot, and no doubt I will continue to do that. But eventually, I'll get better and better and it's just a process of elimination. I already am getting better and better.

I no longer fear injuring myself because I set myself the challenge of working on my fitness by continually working day-in-day-out on my rehab exercises and progressive programs. I no longer fear being shouted out (in the AR). If that's the worst that can happen, it's not that bad in the big scheme of things. I no longer fear picking up my rifle and not knowing what I need to do, and doing it safely. I can now pick it up without fearing that I will do anything wrong, and I know how it works, how to fix it if it doesn't, how to strip it and put it back together, and do it all with alicrity. Twelve months ago, that wasn't how I felt. But it's only through showing up when I knew it was difficult for me, that I overcame the fear. It's through constant exposure and repetition, and making mistakes (safely with a rifle, of course). It's through feeling the fear and doing it anyway that I got to that level of confidence.

And when you're out there in the field - when you haven't showered for days - when you're lying on your belly in the dark, with your rifle, and it's cold and you're freezing; you're hungry; you've been pushed to your physical limits; you've had little sleep for days, and your only thought is about the next shot that's about to ring out and how to respond, life kind of gains alot of clarity for you.

As much as I hate that part of my AR training, and I'm asking myself while lying out in the cold "why the fu*k am I doing this?" - in spite of all that, the appreciation I gain of how good my life is and how damned lucky we are is my most significant epiphany. It's also knowing that if I can go through this shit and do something so uncomfortable, then I have it within me to endure most things. It's a test of my character and whether I have the determination and character to persevere, even when things aren't comfortable. I could easily pack it in, but then what would that say about me as a person? Do I give up when I sniff the first sign of adversity, or do I persevere?

And in persevering, I find eventually that what was hard becomes easier. In challenging myself, what I could not do before, no longer do I fear, and I can turn my focus to overcoming the next challenge. In the process I've acquired new skills. I've increased my confidence, and I've reinforced the fact that I can do whatever it is I set my mind too.

I still have things to overcome and many challenges ahead. There are many other people out there in the world doing extraordinary things and overcoming immense challenges. What constitutes a challenge to one person, may not necessarily be for another. It's all relative.

The important thing to remember is that for you, wherever you are right now...challenge yourself. Try something new. Even if it means it might be hard. Or that you might make mistakes. You might look stupid for a little while and you may feel fear. But I guarantee that if you can challenge yourself, that eventually you will become better and overcome that fear, and what you thought you could not do, you will be able to do. You may not even be able to do it magnificently, but over time you could if you really wanted to, if you persevered and focused on what it is that you truly want.