Sense of Belonging

Why is it when women are approaching 40 and beyond, that they start to re-evaluate their lives? But then again, I suppose we all do when we reach those 'ten year milestones'. You know...when you turn 20 you're no longer a teenager and you're excited about how you're going to make your mark on the world. You think that 40 is OMG...soooo old...and then it's here (almost)...damn...where did those years go?

You still feel like you're 20 years old, but thank god you've been through most of the crap that life is going to deal you, and you don't want to go back there again. You've got the stretch marks, the worry lines, the saggy boobs (for those of us who have them) and all the other baggage that comes with being on this earth that long, but hey...on the inside you still feel like you're 20. You've still got that zest for life and curiosity about the world and you're excited about the future.

Now girls...we just want our bodies to match what we looked like 20 years ago (actually, much better)...that's why I'm in this program...how about you?

So what does that have to do with a sense of belonging? Well...it's part of this 'approaching 40' contemplation on my life up until now. You see...I've never really felt that I've belonged anywhere, even as a child. Why? I didn't find out until I turned 21...but I was adopted at birth. Then the why hit me right between the eyes, and the older I became, the more disconnected I felt, because my parents (adoptive) failed to do one thing. They failed to inform me of my heritage.

My parents told me because they had no choice. It was either tell me, or be told by my biological father, so they chose to do it themselves. I thought that knowing would help, but it didn't. I was different. I looked different. I felt different. I've struggled with this for a long time. Wanting to be different, but wanting to be accepted. I suppose we all want that to a certain degree.

Strangers who had lived in PNG (most Australian ex-pats) would come up to me and tell me all about PNG and start talking to me in pidgin english. Hell...I understood a little of the pidgin english, but I just couldn't relate to their stories because I had no connection to the place I was born.

I left there for Australia when I was 5 years old. Once out of PNG, we no longer spoke pidgin english in our house, nor cantonese (my mother is part chinese). We spoke English (Dad is Australian), even though they could both speak pidgin english. We never mixed with either the PNG or the chinese community. Mum cooked chinese food and a little of her native PNG delicacies.

But we lived an Australian existence. I spoke perfect English, and had no, and still have no connection whatsoever to PNG. And for most of my life I've had that feeling of being...disconnected. Unless you're adopted, I don't think you would understand. But then again, some people feel disconnected for other reasons.

It's taken me this long to feel like I belong...but I don't really belong anywhere. I've spent my entire life yearning for experiences, and I would be just as happy living my life in China, Japan, Europe or wherever. It wouldn't matter. Because I know that wherever I was I would embrace the culture of that country and learn and experience as much as possible in the process.

But I am happy to say that I am content with where I am and who I am for the first time! Doing the IBO program hasn't just been about a physical transformation, it's been a transformation from the inside out (hah! just thought about what you said Rachael in your last email).

I can now confidently say at the ripe young age of 39, that I have arrived...the 2nd stage of my life is just beginning.

Ciao for now...Kerry :)

P.S. I have recently started a quest to locate my biological father. I want to know my heritage for the sake of our daughter, because I don't want her to feel disconnected all her life, and I still want to know where my mother came from, and what was my heritage.
Cliff...if you happen to be reading this (which I doubt)...I am trying to find you (no malice intended)!