Okay...here's the thing...this week I spat the dummy! This was my spill to AW last night...
KW: "I've had enough! I don't want to train - I want to do anything - I want to stay home and not go out - I want to potter around the garden - I want to sit and drink cups of tea, listen to the birds, watch my plants and admire the flowers, and sit and contemplate - I want to just sit and listen to Philomena, play with her and enjoy her - I don't want to talk to anyone (apart from chatting to my neighbours) - Facebook is boring me and it's a waste of my time - I'm not interested so much in blogland at the moment - I could easily hire out some DVD's and sit on the recliner and watch them for a week - I want a break from all the pressure!"
AW: "Where's the pressure coming from?"
KW: "Me!"
So that was my dummy spit! And yes, the pressure is all of my own doing. I've set things up and taken things on for a specific purpose...to pull myself out of my comfort zone. And this week, I've just had enough of being out of my comfort zone. I am taking this week to do everything I said I wanted to do - which is very little (thanks to some wise words from a friend - she knows who she is).
Last week was crazy leading up to ANZAC weekend. There were alot of firsts for me, and it took alot of my time preparing for my first ANZAC weekend. I volunteered to be part of the Catafalque party, and we practiced all day Saturday and we were tired and sore. We had to be in bed early and up at 1am, at work at 3am and the dawn service was at 5am. My legs turned to jelly as we slow marched out, but I got myself together in time and it all went fairly smoothly from there. As it was, we were told on Saturday that we were the first Reserves catalfalque party to do the honours for our brigade...no pressure!
After dawn service, it was off for a gunfire breakfast at the mess and then it was off to Brisbane.
Even though we don't show any expression we felt the atmosphere...it was wonderful! I have to admit to feeling quite emotional as we were cheered and clapped and everyone waved their Australia flags. So even though it was a big weekend, it was all worth it!
By Sunday night I was over it all, and totally exhausted. My throat was sore and I could feel myself coming down with something. I was in bed by about 8:30pm and I didn't get up until 10:38am the next morning! I was definitely feeling under the weather and had contracted a bad head cold and a slight cough.
And so, I decided I wasn't going to work on Tuesday night. Instead I would rest and try to get better. I was also extremely tired, lethargic and just over it all! Today, I even had to convince myself to go to my session with De for my home core program.
Luckily, I read the reply from a wise friend, which made me feel much better (thankyou) and I decided to put my feelings aside and go. I'm glad I did. It has put me in better spirits and I know what I need to do. I need to rest. It was intimated that I might be experiencing some burnout.
I hadn't really thought about it, but I think my friend is on the money. I have been putting myself under so much pressure the last 18months and pushing myself relentlessly that I think I just need to step back and take the pressure off a little.
I don't want to lose the things I've gained of course, and I need to ensure I still am maintaining a balance and not letting myself off too much, so that I don't slip back into that place of oblivion which took me alot of effort to pull myself out of.
And I know that I've been saying that I need to slow down. But it's easier said than done. I'm still fighting it all the way. However this week, there hasn't been any fight, and that's scary!
Anyway...I'm feeling better today and I'm looking forward to JUST BEING this week.
Oh...my weigh-in was 61.3kgs...those extra carbs over the weekend are definitely the culprit! Nothing more to say...
3 comments:
Kerry, whilst I'm sorry to hear about how you've been feeling - I am so pleased to hear that you're taking some rest and looking after your soul.
You've had a corker of a year (or 18months) and you're right.. time to rest, recover and enjoy life again.
Sometimes we try so hard to struggle against it - and it just makes it all harder.
Good on you for putting you first!
(meanwhile, I am a craptastic blog commenter, but I read everything and send lots of telepathetic comments your way - I can really relate to where you're at).
Much love xoxoxo
Kerry - sometimes we do just need to stop - I know you have goals - I know they are important to you - BUT - if you have goals that have guilt attached to them then how can you be happy achieving them. You sound so hard on yourself. Just from my eyes when I saw you after all of those years - this is what I saw - A fit, healthy, motivated woman,you spoke kindly and interestingly to me, you made me feel that you geniunely were glad to see me again, you looked very happily married with a beautiful child - you looked good to me - believe me when I say that whether you were 56kg or 69kg's I simply would not have noticed and believe me you are the only one that does. Take care Kerry. Peace to you, Wendy
Yep Jude. Sometimes fighting is just futile. But I'm feeling much better now, because I listened to what my mind and body said...rest. And I enjoyed your post today, and it's true...we need stop and think about how we feel when we're like this, and then think of when we're at our best. Our best always wins hands down, and that's why we need to keep persisting. Thanks. ;)
I had never thought of it like that Wendy...attaching guilt to goals. It's better to attach our feelings of accomplishment and well-being to them. And like you say, sometimes we just do need to stop. I just have to make sure that it's not permanent...lol... :)
Oh...and I was genuinely happy to see you! :)
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