"I have no special talents. I am only passionately curious."
- Albert Einstein
I suspect that I am experiencing one of many vicissitudes of life. Unbeknownst to be, it's been taking place for about six months now. It's been slowly building, though I've only been in a state of anxiousness for about two to three weeks. I even considered seeking some professional help today, but I managed to calm myself down and organise my thoughts and look a little more deeply into my feelings to ascertain where all this anxiousness was coming from.
In my latest post I admitted that life is too good...and it's wonderful actually.
So why am I so anxious?
Regardless of how well we think we know ourselves, at times even we can confound ourselves.
Why is it hard to seek help when you're seen as the strong one? I think it's because when you're a high achiever, you have that expectation of yourself that you will always find the solution. And you project a persona of such strength, coolness and calmness that others around you naturally assume you have your shit together 100% of the time. Nothing could be further than the truth.
Most of the time I actually do have my shit together in a general sense. Though there will always be areas of your life that need work. Not every part of your life can be in balance 100% all at the same time. There's always stuff we're working on in our lives. Sometimes we drop the ball and then it becomes a mad scramble to regain control.
If you haven't noticed, the feeling of my blog has changed in the last six months or so. I haven't much written about anything resembling health or fitness. I've been struggling in the headspace department. The fact is, I've got to a stage where I've figured out what I need from my training and nutrition. There are no longer any surprises. It's fairly simple really - train hard, train consistently, eat clean, and oh....rest! I know what works for me and what doesn't.
Yes, there will always be more to learn when it comes to training and as my body gets stronger, but the routine of fitness is no longer a mystery. It's so simple I could do it my sleep. And that's where the problem lies. Why is it we like to complicate the simple?
I read somewhere recently that human beings abhor a state of equilibrium. That it's in our nature, and we derive pleasure from constant change, whether subtle or otherwise.
Order and routine in my life I need. Without it, nothing would get done. And action ensures that I am achieving my goals and getting things done. I'm a person of action. I love making plans and I love seeing and analysing the results. I would not have achieved what I have unless I was a person of action.
Yet, I am also a very creative person and sometimes routine stifles my need to be creative. This is where the analytical side and the creative side collide. And this is what's happening at the moment. I think I'm in another creative phase in my life.
I haven't touched my pencils or paints for over five years now. Ever since Philomena was a baby. I miss that creative outlet, but as long as I have other creative pursuits in my life that's okay. Creative for me is gardening; house planning and design; interior design and decoration. It's a world filled with creative licence - colour, form, balance, style and form. And most of all, it's about creating surroundings that embue your very essence.
It's been the vege garden, the composting; the trees, birds, butterlfies, family, friends and food; decadence rooted in simplicity; the tree swing; sharing good conversation and laughter; observing beauty in doing simple, every day tasks; contemplation of all things beautiful and sublime.
It's about self expression and having your life and your home speak who you really are.
It's about realising your dreams as a kid (being creative) whilst supposedly maintaining your visage as an adult (stifling creativity and imagination). Striking a balance is a constant challenge.
So here I find myself, craving passivity yet at the same time having the need to create order and discipline in my surroundings. I do this now, so that I can indulge in the decadence of time-wasting, observation, daydreaming and contemplation that creativity demands.
Now all I need to do is work out how I can schedule both order and discipline as well as creativity in my life. Now that is the real challenge - finding that balance. I wonder whether I will ever find it again soon. Because there have been times I have been content, and I realise that contentment is that balance I seek. And it wasn't that long ago I was content - only last year in fact.
Right now...today, I'm on strike. I can't face the thought of training or thinking too seriously about what's required for me to push through this current training and nutrition rut. I mean, I haven't fallen off the wagon, but I'm just over the energy of being so 'on' all the time and my headspace is just not conducive to training. So unlike me. I need a break. I'm not doing anything stupid. I no longer binge or feel the need to comfort myself with food. I've grown up a bit now. I just need 'time out'.
Of course I also know that 'this too shall pass'. Fingers crossed it shall pass within in few days, and I'll have worked out how to schedule into my life on a regular basis, both order and creativity. Ahhh...I feel so much better already.
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