Tough Decisions

“The point I am making is that things happen. I can’t change what occurred twenty years ago, but I have tried not to let it change who I am or what I love to do – and that’s sport. I’m not riding a bike competitively anymore – it’s only going to be recreational – but I’ve been a professional athlete for a long time. Riding a bike or paddling or whatever – whatever – I’ve kept on going, essentially because the love I had for exercise pre-accident didn’t change post-accident.”

‘Full Circle – One life, many lessons’, John Maclean

I made some tough decisions over the weekend. I struggled with those decisions on Friday. It’s the most I’ve struggled internally for a long time, and my emotional state was fragile. It felt like when I was pregnant and had all those hormones raging. I would cry at the drop of a hat. Things had been building, and I was hoping that what may possibly happen, might not happen, given some time and rest. When all was said and done, and I delved deeper into the reasons I was feeling like this, I realized that I couldn’t bring myself to make the decision I knew I had to make.

It was a turning point, which with the help of a good friend, became more clear, that it had to be turned. As she said, “Sometimes we have to go backward in order to move forward.”

So it is with a heavy heart that I have to change how I’m training. I’m been going backward for months, in the hope that my injury and subsequent weaknesses and imbalances would improve enough to maintain my genre of training.

Come Friday, I was still slightly in pain, still had slight headaches, was extremely fatigued, and my upper body still tense, even after two chiropractic adjustments. I was supposed to go to Crossfit on Friday night. But you know, I couldn’t bring myself to do it, because I kept thinking of how I’d be hurting, because I was so apprehensive about what might happen, as it was a for time workout. It’s difficult to control your technique and maintain form when you’re core supporting muscles aren’t firing properly and too unstable/weak to keep everything together, at prolonged high intensity. And I can’t help but give 110% in my workouts. I’m not the type of person to drop my intensity just because I have an injury. I would feel like I’m piking out on myself.

On Friday afternoon, I sat there trying to read my book and drink tea, procrastinating. And then I knew that I couldn’t go. My body was just not going to handle it. I was a mess. I cried a little. I sat there, and knew that this was just crazy. I shouldn’t feel like this. If I can’t even bring myself to train, then there is something wrong…I love to train! But you know, I’m just sick of hurting and feeling like this. Things had to change.

I can’t do Crossfit at the moment. There…I said it!

It’s just too much for my body to handle right now. I’m devastated. I mean, I know I was still very much a beginner, but I’ve had my heart set on this for a while now. The thought of not being able to do Crossfit has been eating at me inside.

What was even worse, the thought of going back to a commercial gym made me feel sick in stomach. My husband said he thought I might be posturing. Hmmm…maybe he’s right. Maybe I’m too full of myself.

So I went to the local gym. I felt sick. It was so spick and clean and polished. There was no grunge…no chalkdust…nobody panting with exhaustion from being hammered or about to puke….nobody dripping profusely with sweat. It all looked so perfect and felt so clinical!

I slept terribly over the weekend, running things over and over in my head.

I joined the gym on Saturday. Big decision!

I’ve spent the weekend getting my head around it all, and realizing once again that it’s not the end of the world, and telling myself this is temporary.

In the big scheme of things, it is (temporary). As I’ve said in earlier posts, I need to concentrate on getting my core super strong and having my upper and lower body muscles work in unison with my trunk. That’s not just happening at the moment, and I need to go back and work on rehabilitation, whilst maintaining muscle strength and endurance. I don’t want to lose what I have gained, but I know I can’t move forward unless I overcome my current weaknesses.

So I’m now looking at 12 months rehab, to be realistic, with the intention of going back to Crossfit.

The photo at the top is of John Maclean. I’m currently reading his autobiography, 'Full Circle'. His quote at the top of the page alludes to is what I’ve come to truly understand, in making my decision to change how I train.

This is the introduction to his site, to give you a little background on this extraordinary Australian…

“You can count on one hand those who've had what it takes to both swim the Channel and complete the Hawaiian Ironman Triathlon, one of the world's most demanding tests of endurance. John has completed the Hawaii Ironman three times.

He represented his country at the 2000 Olympic Games.

In 2006 he took part in the invitation-only extreme endurance event Ultraman World Championships, in Hawaii.

He was recently invited into the sport of rowing. In September 2007 he and his rowing partner claimed a silver medal at the Rowing World Championships. and a GOLD in Italy at the International Regatta in April 2008. John went on to sensationally win a Silver medal at the 2008 Beijing games.

He's done all this from a wheelchair: John is paraplegic.”

You see, on Friday after my meltdown, I decided I needed to do something physical. I couldn’t do Crossfit, so I needed to do something. I got on the mountain bike (AW’s), and went for a ride. It felt good to feel the wind in my face, the burn in my legs, and my heart pumping fast. I haven’t been on a real bike for a very long time, and I’d forgotten that feeling of freedom. I felt better for the ride.

And that’s when I came to the realization that, as what John’s quote alludes too…it’s not about what I do physically. As long as I’m doing something physical! As long as I’m able to push myself and move my body, and most importantly, as long as I’m enjoying it, that’s all that really matters in the end. As my good friend said…being physical is part of my identity. As long as I’m being physical, I’m happy and content.

So I’ve been warming to the idea now of going back to the gym. There’s so much I can do, and the best part is, I can change my program to work around any physical limitations I may be experiencing at the time. If I’m a little too sore in my lower body and legs, I can switch to upper body and vice versa. I have more flexibility now and more control, to ensure that I don’t continually injure myself.

For the first time, in a while, I’m feeling motivated and excited to train again…and to me that makes all the difference!

As for what I’ll be doing, I’m not too sure at this stage, but stay tuned. I’ll be having a program made especially for me, by someone who understands exercise and rehabilitation. It will be in conjunction with my physio, and taking into account my current injuries and imbalances, and concentrating on my core strength, of which it will mostly revolve around.

So today I begin anew! I feel motivated...I feel optimistic...I feel energised...I feel excited about the possibilities!