Wk 21...Time to Get Out of My Own Way

"I will always find that optimistic way out of a bad situation. You want to take me on, take me on - because I will win! There were certain realities in our life that couldn't be changed. We could sit around and cry about it, or we could find a way around the roadblocks. Our answer to every setback, sorrow, and upheaval has always been to push back, try harder, be smarter. We weren't afraid of failing - only stopping, of giving up. Losing is worthwhile if you learn something from it, but quitting is the defeat of hope."

- Linda Armstrong Kelly (the mother of Lance Armstrong)

So much has happened in my head in the last couple of weeks. It's been cathartic.

It was hard for me to admit to my feelings last week, especially online. However, I feel it's important to be transparent. The truth is, I have alot of people who tell me how I inspire them, and some days I wonder why. Especially when I struggle myself with some of the same issues. As one of my mentorees said to me recently, when I said that some days I don't feel like much of an inspiration (thanks - you know who you are)..."It shows that you really are human". I think if we were perfect, we wouldn't have that same connection with people. It's our shared experiences that enable us to reach out to others and empathise. And as I've come to realise after doing quite a bit of reading lately, that it's all about giving hope.

In the last couple of weeks I've read two autobiographies, and I've been incredibly moved during both....'Full Circle - One Life,Many Lessons ' by John McLean. He was the first paraplegic to compete and finish in the Hawaiian Ironman Triathlon; he won a silver medal in the Beijing Olympics (in rowing), he swam the English Channel. And he's Australian! The other is, 'It's Not About the Bike' by Lance Armstrong, no introduction necessary, I'm sure.

I love reading autobiographies because they are real stories of people overcoming. There's some truly amazing stories, and they leave you wondering what's so difficult about your own life. Sometimes, our own challenges pale in significance and reading these stories helps to put my own life and challenges into perspective. It's important to do that periodically.

If you're going through a particularly challenging period, I encourage you to look beyond your own life and focus on others, because that will bring things into perspective for you, and hopefully give you the inspiration, motivation, impetus...whatever, to help move you beyond 'yourself'. I love reading other people's stories, because they give me 'hope'.

So that's what I've been doing. I've made some important decisions recently, as hinted to in my last post.

On the weekend I went bush for the army for a range weekend (shooting). I don't know if I've told you this, or whether you remember me saying this before, but I suck at weapons firing! If you were my enemy in a war, you would have no reason to fear being shot by me (without a firearm, sure...I'll take you on)! So I struggled once again. We don't get the opportunity to work on our marksmanship skills very often, and the pressure to remember everything you've been taught is ever-present. We have to be tested in our weapons safety and handling, and that in itself is stressful when you only touch a rifle every few months, or a machine gun once in a blue moon. There's also something about 'live firing' that gets me nervous. So the whole weekend was full of emotional ups and downs, while I grappled with self-doubt and the fear of failure. Once I'm up on the range and firing I'm fine (even though I still can't hit a target very well), but it's all the lead up and testing beforehand that gets me all churned up inside.

The thing is, everyone experiences similar nerves, but I tend to take things very personally when I don't do as well as I expect. I've always been used to learning things pretty quickly and excelling. Weapons are a whole different kettle of fish, and it bugs and frustrates me that I can't seem to get this. It really affects my confidence, and I hate that!

I'd had a gutful of feeling like this, and the thing is, as long as I'm in the army, this is not going to go away until I do something about it. So I went searching for solutions and I've come up with something that has helped me feel better about myself and this particular skill.

I've decided to join a Rifle club!

I made some enquires and spoke to a very helpful man in the Qld Military Rifle Club. He's ex-army officer and we spoke at length about my particular challenges and how the club may be able to help. They only deal with bolt-action rifles (it's illegal to use semi-automatic weapons, which is what the army use), but he said that regardless, the marksmanship principles are the same. So next month I'm going along to a practice session to meet the club members and talk to a few people I think may be able to help me. I'm hoping that with regular weapons handling and firing and understanding how I can improve in a more relaxed and supportive environment, I will become proficient and I can finally start to enjoy something which everyone seems to!

And on Saturday I meet with my exercise physiologist to devise a training plan working around my hip injury and other limitations. Again, I've been given hope that I can overcome my current challenges with the correct approach, and for the first time this year, I'm starting to think about and focus on my goals, and I'm starting to feel that flicker of determination again, like I had last year. I'm starting to actually believe that 'The Year of the Sexy Bitch' is still within my grasp. And I'm starting to get excited by those mental images of where I want to be!

I've been deliberating on so many things, unnecessarily, and as Craig Harper eluded to in a recent post, it's time to get out of my own way and become part of the solution. Time to stop thinking and doubting and JUST DO!

* Weigh-in...61.9kgs! Army weekend...rations...lots of carbs...horrible stuff!