Wk 20...Not Myself

The last week has been a real doozy. In this process of 'Discovering My Best Me', I forgot to remind myself that some things take time, and as much as I thought that I'd figured things out and could get on with things immediately, the opposite has been true. There was a bit more struggle yet to come and one that had me come to some more realisations. No doubt there'll be a bit more unravelling yet. But I'll just have to deal with it as it comes.

The problem with listening to what your body is telling you, is that it can be very confronting.

So...after deciding to temporarily ditch Crossfit and return to a commercial gym, there was still one area I hadn't dealt with...the Army stuff...physical that is. It's the last kink in the chain of my recovery (or so I thought...more about that later).

I'll be frank...the AA is not for cry babies! So if you like sympathy and positive reinforcement - don't join the army!
Okay...okay...I'm over-dramatising this a little. And here's the thing...12 months ago I relished the thought, but today, 12 months later, I'm apphrehensive. This hip injury has affected me more than I thought. I'm so anxious about training these days, and especially about the army stuff.

I took care of the 'unknown' factor in Crossfit, and I needed to take care of the 'unknown' factor in the AA, which is difficult. It's made more difficult, because I've made it that way. I put so much pressure on myself to do everything that's asked of me, even with this injury. And when I can't physically do something, I feel...well...inadequate. I hate the fact I can't put my best foot forward. But the reality of the situation is...at the moment I just can't do some things at the moment. It's been really screwing with my head!

I have a 15km forced march coming up in June. It's held every year. Now, this isn't just any leisurely stroll, you're pushing yourself to keep up the necessary stride (hence the name, 'forced march'), because you usually have a time limit to complete it in. I'm not too sure what it is.


Now don't get me wrong, despite this, I actually love being in the Aa, and I think it's because they do tend to push you out of your comfort zone, and don't take any shit. I enjoy the discipline and what the army stands for. I also believe in what they do and the bigger purpose of why they do things the way they do.

But at the moment, I feel like a cry baby.

I've been so anxious about this march, because after our Tuesday night sessions, just doing practice for the forced march with webbing and rifle I've been struggling. My hip and right side, is sore and I experience spasm in my lower back and pain, for days afterward. And I'm not even carrying a load yet! To make matters worse, this has then been affecting my normal training, or my 'return' to normal training.

I've also been experiencing extreme fatigue. It's taking me days to recover and I'm exhausted all the time. I sleep for 10 hours and still feel like shit when I wake up. Some nights I can't sleep, because I'm anxious about training or AA PT, wondering if I'm going to hurt myself and jeopardise my recovery. I appear fairly calm on the surface, but I've been going through emotional periods, where I want to cry at the drop of a hat. And it's usually only when I'm thinking about having to approach a hard training session or AA PT session...I'm that apprehensive.

Needless to say...I am not myself!

My body is telling me it needs a break. I'm not too sure what's going on. I thought it was just maybe a little tiredness, but I've been experiencing fatigue since the start of the year, and it's been getting worse. Even while training, I physically can't seem to put in the same intensity. And the emotional stuff is a recent occurrence. I think it's mainly from going over stuff in my head and feeling apprehensive all the time about injuring myself further.

Anyway...I'm still pushing through and keeping my body moving. Nutrition is fairly good, and I have to say that because of Ideal Bodies Online and the programs I've completed, it's helped me keep a handle on things. I've integrated the program principles so well, that some things, like nutrition are taking care of themselves. I haven't done any emotional eating or felt the need to, and I'm so aware of what's happening (through education and mentoring), it's allowing me to be able to observe myself from afar and approach things with more insight and acceptance. It's given me the tools to help overcome these current challenges, and I don't think I would have handled things as well, if I hadn't done the programs. I'm still keeping my weight at a good level, considering my lack of consistent, high intensity exercise, and that's a testament to the program.

You probably think I'm a basket-case. Today is a good day. I have felt better in the last few days because I've made some more decisions, one of them was to take some steps to get to the bottom of my fatigue levels. I saw my Chinese bone doctor on Saturday, which helped reduce the pain and tension in my lower back, hips and right hand side in general. He also said that my liver is a problem and something new...my Thyroid. Hmmm...maybe that has something to do with my fatigue. So I had some blood tests on Monday with my western GP, and I get the results back on Friday. I don't expect it will show anything though. I've never had any problems with my thyroid or anything like that. Maybe it's all in my head!

I also made the decision not to do the forced march. As much as I feel like I'm 'piking', I don't need this right now. I need to get on top of my injury. I was told recently that I didn't have to do the march (or subsequent pre-training prep) to be compliant in the army. That's been a huge relief. So once I find out the results of my blood test, I can bring everything together and start formulating a program and plan for recovery.

Phew!...glad I got that off my chest.


* Weigh-in...60.4kg...no change.
* a plug for my new blog...Recipes in Richness