Identity Crossroads

Identity:

1. The distinct personality of an individual regarded as a persisting entity: individuality.

2. Who a person is, or the qualities of a person or group which make them different from others.

****WARNING: LONG POST****

When you reach a point where you may need to accept your own mortality, it's a difficult thing to do. I know there are those of you who have had to make some tough decisions when you've realised that there are just things you can't do physically anymore and you accept this is move on (or do you really accept it?).

I reached my first identity crossroads 19 months ago now. I'd been clinging to an outdated identity. Life had changed; circumstances had changed...I'd changed, and I finally realised that in order to find happiness and be content I had to let go of the past and move on. And in moving on I had to re-create myself.

It's not that I wanted to change my identity and the true essence of who I am, but moreso, I needed to update it. It was time for an identity makeover. To give it a refresher; clear away the cobwebs and catch up with the times.

In that process I've worked out that my identity revolves around being not just being fit and healthy, but HOW I do fit and healthy....and it must be DIFFERENT...it must be UNIQUE... and it must give me a sense power and control, and be challenging enough to keep me motivated. And lastly, it must be something that I feel is achievable, yet just out of my reach and slightly elusive...is forever evolving, that there is always a sense of mystery and mystique...sought of like searching for the holy grail. Obviously at some point, you reach milestones, but you're always setting new ones in its' (holy grail) pursuit.

So here I am again...at the crossroads.

And like I said, I'm coming face-to-face with my own mortality and the reality that I am in fact getting older, and I physically won't be able to do everything that I want to do. At the moment, I haven't reached any finality about what I can or can't do. I'm still exploring all avenues and solutions in continuing to move toward my fitness goals.

Yesterday, I had my x-rays done on my hips, as I've had a ball and socket issue on the RHS to match the muscular imbalances on that side and glute weakness. At first we thought it was purely muscular, but after yesterday, it's been confirmed that there is a beginning of some bone degeneration of the ball (humerus) in my RHS hip. Hence all the flair-ups I've been having periodically.

My physio has basically said to rest and hope the inflammation goes down (and the slight pain in my hip and front of thigh), and to give him a ring on Monday. If the inflammation goes down, he said I can return to training, but slowly, and no running, jumping or impacting movements that will exacerbate the hip joint. Oh...and no deep squatting below 90deg for now. If the inflammation doesn't settle down, then he's talking 'Orthopaedic specialist'...***dread.

So yesterday, understandably I was a little down.

All of the sudden those images I had of achieving amazing physical feats...the ones I'd been nurturing since the start of my re-creation, suddenly vanished, and reality began to take it's place. For me, that's like a death sentence. I'm at my best when my head is in the clouds and my reality is something of a parallax.

But then, as always, when it seems that there is only one option...one solution, the eternal optimist in me goes on the offensive, and I start to look for possible solutions. That's how I resurrected myself before. I'm a firm believer in exhausting all your options before making things final in your mind and heart. And sometimes the solutions can come from the most unexpected sources, if you would only open your mind to the possibilities.

I have come to accept that maybe, I may not be able to do some things, and I might have to change HOW I do fitness. Rather than running, my physio has suggested cycling. He has recommended I continue with Crossfit, as the benefits for me long term are great, especially in relation to core strength and stability and overall muscle strength. At this stage I just may have forego some certain types of exercises (like box squats). But hey...I've been scaling since I've started, so that's not new in crossfit. Just about everybody starting out is doing some form of scaling, and there are so many crossfitters who are working with pre-existing injuries and physical limitations. I'm no different there.

My only concern is how this will affect the Reserves. I will just have to play it by ear. I'm not in infantry or something that requires me to be in peak physical condition to be able to do my job. I'm in admin...a clerk...pfffttt! However, I still have to maintain a certain level of fitness and be able to pass my fitness tests, which I don't have a concern about. It's mainly running which is the issue, and also pack-marching. This is horrendous in terms of the pressure on the lower back and lower limbs and would have to be the most detrimental activity for health, I've seen in the army. Army packs are not structured to enable you distribute the weight correctly - not like hiking/mountaineering packs are designed. The Army is not at the forefront of exercise science, let me tell ya! The army doesn't get you fit, contrary to popular belief. You need to be fit before you join, in order to withstand the rigours and demands. In fact, alot of injuries occur because people do not get fit enough or they fail to maintain their fitness, and so succumb to the army's inadequacies in exercise science.

Anyway...options...

Many years ago, when I was still practicing Buddhism, I met a wonderful couple, Joel and Gina. They were giving regular consultations at the Chung Tian Buddhist Temple in Rochedale and at that time I was having some hamstring issues and decided I'd see them. Joel is a very gifted chinese doctor, and his specialty is 'bones'. He is known as a chinese bone doctor, or western medicine's equivalent to a chiropractor. As far as adjusting the skeletal system, that's about as similar as it gets when it comes to a comparison. Chinese bone doctors are much more wholistic when it comes to treatment, and for those of you who are familiar with the workings of chinese health practicioners (practicing chinese medicine and treatments), they consider the body as one whole, integrated system. They don't see disease, injury or ill-health as an isolated incident. They see these things as part of a bigger picture and all the systems of the body are working together as a complex whole. No systems are separated to isolate the cause. It's a matter of looking at the symptoms, and finding it's origin or origins within the entire system (skeletal, muscular, endocrine, lympthatic, nervous...etc), and how even subtle changes can affect directly or indirectly your state of health.

Gina, his wife, is a chinese herbalist and they work together to diagnose and treat. Thanks to Joel, Anthony no longer experiences crippling migraines. He used to get them regularly every week over many years.

Back to chinese bone doctors...they diagnose and treat in a similar way to other chinese doctors, in that they read different pulses, i.e. heart, liver, kidney meridian, etc, in order to determine where a particular problem may be originating from, and then they help to rid the body of symptoms through the use of chinese herbal medicines, physical exercise, acupuncture, and in some rare cases (in Australia), using Qi Gong (Chi Kung) to direct energy (Qi) to specific points in the body, in order to trigger the healing process. I have had this type of treatment and it's difficult to explain the sensation. I liken it to an induction cook-top, where the heat or energy remains internal, however, it feels cool when you touch the surface. So when being treated with Qi, you can feel heat within the muscles of your body, or you can feel it internally, but unlike a heat pack where you feel the heat on the surface of your skin, with Qi, there is no heat on the surface of the skin when you touch the area where the Qi force is being applied.

I also remember Joel explaining how the Chinese view and heal bone injuries. Their philosophies on this a very different to western opinions, as they've had over 2000 years to observe the human body. It's quite fascinating.

Anyway, today I go to see him and I'm hoping that he can firstly help alleviate the inflammation (apart from using anti-inflammatories) and then offer an alternative as far as helping to heal my injury. I know I can't replace the bone that's already degenerated. I can continue however to work on increasing the muscle strength in and around the hip, glutes and core, because that's where this all started. And hopefully I can stop or slow the degeneration enough to be able to physically be able to do the things I want to do in a way that I can still retain my identity.