Stepping Out of My Cocoon

Well I finally remembered to get a shot of myself in Army fatigues. Just gorgeous aren't I? The uniform is quite flattering don't you think (not)? It's all about practicality and not standing out. So in that way, it works well. I do love all the nifty pockets and zips all over to hide things in...like my protein bars, tissues and anything else you can fit in comfortably.

The little white band on the front of my jacket tells everyone that I am a 'Recruit' and leave me the F*&K alone and don't pick on me! Geez Frankie...you were right! That F word is starting to roll off the tongue so easily...lol...Last night I caught myself saying that horrible word. It was on march out parade (the end of the night), and I stuffed up some drill command that I'd only learnt the week before. Straight after we fell out (army language for 'you can relax and slink away now'), I said to my colleague Michelle..."I just F&%KED UP the Open Order March"! She said yes she saw me and the dumb look I had on my face, and we both giggled. Michelle also mentioned that she thought she saw the officer in charge roll his eyes at my pathetic attempt. I definitely had a brain freeze at the precise moment he gave the command.

Anyway...back to my title, Stepping out of my Cocoon...joining the army has been part of this process. Before I gave birth to Philomena, I was in a dark place emotionally. I'd just gone through an ugly business legal battle and a miscarriage around the same time. I needed money and went back working a part-time job, and decided at this point to hide myself away from all the hurt, questions, and generally avoid people altogether. My job was working afternoons/evenings doing process work for Chubb security, and it worked well for me because I didn't have to talk to anyone if I didn't want to, and I didn't have to answer phones. I could just get on with my work and feel safe in the knowledge that nobody would ask questions or pry or try to make real conversation. I spent this time doing alot of healing, contemplation and soul-searching - basically licking my wounds, so-to-speak.

I'm so glad I did this. I went back to doing my art classes during the week, which I loved. I'd drive every week to Canungra (Gold coast hinterland), and we'd draw, paint, stop for coffee and chat - all over a few hours. This was very therapeutic for me, as I'd lost touch with my creative side. During the days I would do my gardening and clean the house, cook for Anthony and contemplate some more. I did alot of reading, going the movies and the pace of my life was a nice plod. It was a band-aid for the soul.

I'd had quite a few epiphanies by that time, and since then have always led a very simple, uncomplicated and stress-free life. And this is the way I decided I wanted things to be, even when we knew Philomena was coming along. Though the 'stress-free' part wasn't so easy, once I had Philomena. Things have become easier as she's gotten older, and as I intended, I kept our lives simple and uncomplicated. Something I feel is important for young children. And something which I've found was even more important for me. It's enabled me to give Philomena the time and patience that is so needed, and to allow me to regain my independence and give myself the time needed to appreciate what's most important about life - and it wasn't the material stuff. It took me a long time to figure this one out!

Since Ideal Bodies Online, which has been 12 months now, life has inextricably changed in ways I could not have imagined. I am myself once more, and feel like I can take on the world again. I am not afraid to reveal who I am or about my journey. After all, it's the journey that's made me who I am today, and I've been able to help many a people because of my experiences. I have been slowly stepping out my safe world...my cocoon, and to meet people where they are, now that I know who I am. It's been a transcendental process.

So I've been just dipping my toe in this past year...testing the waters, and letting the layers of protection...the layers of my cocoon, peel away. I've been socialising alot more and my heart and mind have been open to people's attempts to reach out. It has been humbling and gratifying to have the confidence and joy to be able to grasp the hand that reaches out, even if for a moment.

My routine of late has started to resemble a dog's breakfast. In all honesty, I know that the remainder of the year will be unpredictable, as it's been a year of immense change, with more to come. However, I am reminding myself of my priorities...my health and fitness, my family, esp. Philomena, my new committment to the Army, my recently new role as a mentor for IBO and what I feel is my obligation to help others on the IBO journey.

But most importantly, I need to remind myself of the need to keep my life balanced, and that regardless of the changes, I need to leave ample time to ensure that life is just as it should be...simple, uncomplicated and stress-free.