Wednesday, July 8

Stepping Out of My Cocoon


Well I finally remembered to get a shot of myself in Army fatigues. Just gorgeous aren't I? The uniform is quite flattering don't you think (not)? It's all about practicality and not standing out. So in that way, it works well. I do love all the nifty pockets and zips all over to hide things in...like my protein bars, tissues and anything else you can fit in comfortably.

The little white band on the front of my jacket tells everyone that I am a 'Recruit' and leave me the F*&K alone and don't pick on me! Geez Frankie...you were right! That F word is starting to roll off the tongue so easily...lol...Last night I caught myself saying that horrible word. It was on march out parade (the end of the night), and I stuffed up some drill command that I'd only learnt the week before. Straight after we fell out (army language for 'you can relax and slink away now'), I said to my colleague Michelle..."I just F&%KED UP the Open Order March"! She said yes she saw me and the dumb look I had on my face, and we both giggled. Michelle also mentioned that she thought she saw the officer in charge roll his eyes at my pathetic attempt. I definitely had a brain freeze at the precise moment he gave the command.

Anyway...back to my title, Stepping out of my Cocoon...joining the army has been part of this process. Before I gave birth to Philomena, I was in a dark place emotionally. I'd just gone through an ugly business legal battle and a miscarriage around the same time. I needed money and went back working a part-time job, and decided at this point to hide myself away from all the hurt, questions, and generally avoid people altogether. My job was working afternoons/evenings doing process work for Chubb security, and it worked well for me because I didn't have to talk to anyone if I didn't want to, and I didn't have to answer phones. I could just get on with my work and feel safe in the knowledge that nobody would ask questions or pry or try to make real conversation. I spent this time doing alot of healing, contemplation and soul-searching - basically licking my wounds, so-to-speak.

I'm so glad I did this. I went back to doing my art classes during the week, which I loved. I'd drive every week to Canungra (Gold coast hinterland), and we'd draw, paint, stop for coffee and chat - all over a few hours. This was very therapeutic for me, as I'd lost touch with my creative side. During the days I would do my gardening and clean the house, cook for Anthony and contemplate some more. I did alot of reading, going the movies and the pace of my life was a nice plod. It was a band-aid for the soul.

I'd had quite a few epiphanies by that time, and since then have always led a very simple, uncomplicated and stress-free life. And this is the way I decided I wanted things to be, even when we knew Philomena was coming along. Though the 'stress-free' part wasn't so easy, once I had Philomena. Things have become easier as she's gotten older, and as I intended, I kept our lives simple and uncomplicated. Something I feel is important for young children. And something which I've found was even more important for me. It's enabled me to give Philomena the time and patience that is so needed, and to allow me to regain my independence and give myself the time needed to appreciate what's most important about life - and it wasn't the material stuff. It took me a long time to figure this one out!

Since Ideal Bodies Online, which has been 12 months now, life has inextricably changed in ways I could not have imagined. I am myself once more, and feel like I can take on the world again. I am not afraid to reveal who I am or about my journey. After all, it's the journey that's made me who I am today, and I've been able to help many a people because of my experiences. I have been slowly stepping out my safe world...my cocoon, and to meet people where they are, now that I know who I am. It's been a transcendental process.

So I've been just dipping my toe in this past year...testing the waters, and letting the layers of protection...the layers of my cocoon, peel away. I've been socialising alot more and my heart and mind have been open to people's attempts to reach out. It has been humbling and gratifying to have the confidence and joy to be able to grasp the hand that reaches out, even if for a moment.

My routine of late has started to resemble a dog's breakfast. In all honesty, I know that the remainder of the year will be unpredictable, as it's been a year of immense change, with more to come. However, I am reminding myself of my priorities...my health and fitness, my family, esp. Philomena, my new committment to the Army, my recently new role as a mentor for IBO and what I feel is my obligation to help others on the IBO journey.

But most importantly, I need to remind myself of the need to keep my life balanced, and that regardless of the changes, I need to leave ample time to ensure that life is just as it should be...simple, uncomplicated and stress-free.

13 comments:

LizN said...

Hi Kerry,
Loving those fatigues, yes it's been a big year for you - it's worth peeling back the layers of the cocoon, even though there are others out there that may try and take advantage of that. BUt most of us are the good guys.

Hugs
Liz N

Anonymous said...

I just love photos of your little girl, too cute and cheeky!
She looks so proud of you!
I am happy to hear that you've let go of not only your physical cocoon but emotionally and mentally you've come out of all your experiences much stronger (and wiser!). I am pleased also that you are an IBO mentor, this really is a great thing as you add such a positive vibe to people's journeys.
xo

Kerry W said...

Thanks Liz. Yes...trusting people is a difficult thing, and it was very hard for me to do so, but I don't think we can move forward unfettered, unless we do.

It's sickening when people violate our trust. I suppose all we can do is learn from it, trust our initial instincts, and do our due diligence to lessen the likelihood of it happening again.

Hugs back...Kerry :)

Sandra said...

Kerry,
i totally identify with your decision to invest time and patience when Philomena was born...I took 10 years "off" to be with my girls...10 years "off"/ Off what? That was the way others saw it, but to me it was the time they needed me to just be with them - hubby and I decided very early in the peace that financial pressures would take second place while our children were little - it was hard and we made some huge sacrifices, but with a 13 year old and an 11 year old, I am reminded every day that every moment spent on them is worth it ten-fold.
Love, Sandra

Kerry W said...

Hey Em

You obviously posted the same time as me, so I missed your comment!

Thanks for the thumbs up. I hope I do add 'positive vibes' to other people's journeys! And yes...Philomena is a cutie. She just has to be part of the photo. :)

Kerry W said...

Geez...it happened again!

Thanks Sandra for your input. That is the plan...invest time now so that your children will grow to be confident, contributing, loving and grounded adults of the future.
Yes, financially it can be a struggle, but it's also been a blessing in disguise.

It must be so nice to look back and know the decision you made to stay home and nurture your girls, has been rewarded 'ten-fold'! I congratulate you and hope that I will also be proud of my little girl, the way you are of your girls!

Fifi said...

ummmahhh...Kerry said f*ck!

You look right at home in that gear. Phil's a laugh, gorgeous little bundle she is!

Nicole said...

Hey Kerry. I love hearing about your journey and the subsequential growth. it's very exciting and congratulations for recognising and appreciating the relevance your journey so far. Philomena looks soooo proud of her mummy. That is your best achievement yet. Congrats on becoming an IBO mentor. Its a true testiment to your own dedication and success. I loved reading your post today. :)
x Nic

Nicole said...

...and isn't it funny.... you are swearing like a trooper (excuse the pun). And I'm trying to make a conscious effort to NOT swear....

Kerry W said...

I'm trying real hard NOT to swear either Nic. :) It's only really when I'm amongst the army guys.

Anonymous said...

I love reading about the transformation you've made over the past year. it's very inspiring for someone like myself who is in the first stages of change.
Philomena looks so cute standing next to you! :)
Congratulations on your achievements Kerry. :)

Anonymous said...

Kerry, this photo just says so much!

It shows me how close you are to your gorgeous daughter and it shows the culmination of your dedication and hard work.

It's lovely to see :)

As always, a very wise post - very inspirational.

Kerry W said...

Judy...I feel like crud, after just posting my latest post at the same time you made this comment.

thanks anywat and thanks to you too daire!

 

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