Time Warp

I don't know where this post is going to lead, so I'm just letting you know ahead of time. It may be confusing (for me as well as you).

The great thing about blogging is that it's a wonderful outlet when you just want to 'spill'. You know...get things off your chest. The downside is...you let people see a side of you that you don't always want them to see. But if you hide it, then you're not being honest...with others, and more importantly with yourself. When people say you are strong, you feel obligated to uphold that expectation.

Tonight, I don't feel strong...I feel weak, and I feel like I've let things and people control what I do. I feel like I've given in to my weaknesses a little, and allowed events to influence the outcome. I'm not sure if it's something I can't do much about, or I've left myself open to influence. I suppose I feel like I've been really slack.

You see...I didn't train tonight. I feel like crap! I feel guilty and even though it seems like the events of the days...weeks...months...the weather...have all conspired against me, I feel there's a modicum of responsibility on my part. July has been crazy, to say the least. Actually, it's been crazy ever since my enlistment day. All of a sudden, events have taken on a life of their own. There seems to be more demand on my time...socially and otherwise.

It's like I'm in a time warp and I want to get off, so that life can return to normal....AND NORMAL FOR ME IS TRAINING 5-6 DAYS A WEEK WITHOUT FAIL! I've had the odd break, and recovery periods in-between, but apart from that, that has been my routine for twelve months.

I know things were going to change once I started in the reserves, but it really has thrown me a little, as well as being sick and all these social things happening. Plus...I feel I should try to spend time with my husband and little girl as well. And that's why I feel like I do.

I've had a busy day doing something for a close friend who has done alot for me. I've been driving people around today. Philomena was dropped off this morning at the MIL's, and AW picked her up this afternoon, after returning from his Kingaroy trip. So I've been traipsing around Brisbane.. the airport..picking up my friend after some minor procedures, and just staying with her until her husband came home (she's been kind enough to let me drive her car).

The day was going well. I'd pre-prepared the days meals to make sure my nutrition was on track, and I would be home in time to change and go straight to the gym. Lo and behold, Philomena put up the biggest commotion, and begged me not to go! She said she'd missed me and she wanted me to stay. Her exact words were..."Mummy - don't go! Please stay home tonight!" She put on the waterworks, put her arms around me and wouldn't let go! She didn't want her daddy - she wanted mummy. I didn't know whether it was manipulation, or she genuinely wanted to spend time with me. Now, I go to the gym most nights, so she is pretty used to this. But with being sick, I haven't been to the gym during the nights regularly for at least a couple of weeks. The thing is...she's never ever said this to me before! So it was a decision...what was more important, right now at this moment? I decided Philomena was more important, and that I should give her the benefit of the doubt.

But you know...I still feel like crap, because I've only been able to get to the gym twice this week, and because I've felt good, I am so eager to train and get back to training most days. I feel good when I'm training at least 5-6 days/nights per week. Any less than that, then I feel like things are slipping. So, by this weeks' end, I will have only trained 3 times in the week, and I feel disappointed. After this week, I have only 2 weeks on my last IBO program, and I can't seem to get my shit together to see it out! I'm so pissed off with myself! And I'm looking at the rest of July, and it's like...when the F*&K am I going to be able to train a normal week?

I have a school reunion meeting tomorrow afternoon...it's the coffee and chocolate affair at portside hamilton on Sunday...some quality time with hubby as he loves chocolate - so I can't refuse him, as we haven't had alot of 'us time' lately, as it's been all about me. My army training weekend is next weekend, which starts on Friday night and I don't get home until Sunday...body corp AGM the following week as well as girlie's video night, which is supposed to be a sleepover, but I think I'll be giving that a miss, as I don't want to miss a training session the next day because I haven't had enough sleep...Blah...blah...blah...and I'm supposed to be going to Kapooka at the start of September, which only gives me one whole month to get my shit together and by physically prepared!

Anyway...that's how I'm feeling tonight. Let's hope next week is a better week, even if I can only get in 4 training sessions. If I was really being a 'glass half full' kinda girl, I could say it will be an improvement on the last three weeks, and I'll aim for 5 training sessions the following week. Hey...I think I'm talking myself into something more positive...I see the light...yes...there it is. I think I'll move toward it, while it's still shining.

Cya. :-)