The Meaning of Life

How I do begin...you may be in for a long post (actually...a marathon post), so I'm giving you an early warning, just in case you want to skip it, and try another blog.

I'm so very tired. Such a big week - physically and mentally. Well, not as physically taxing as last week, in relation to workouts, but alot of full days pushing Philomena around in a pram loaded with food stocks, nappies, etc. And because we catch public transport to get around and then have to walk to wherever it is we need to get to, as well as being a hot, sticky, week, it's kinda hit me all of a sudden. And then of course, getting to the gym at nights.

And after today, doing my defence force testing, etc, it has been a real drain - I left early this morning to catch the train and didn't get back til about 3pm. My brain feels like this week's contents are oozing out, there's just been too much happening too quickly for my liking. I prefer the quieter, more relaxed pace - which this week just hasn't been.

Oh! BTW...I'm actually having a bit of a whinge, cause I'm feeling a little sombre. AW is currently in his cave, and doesn't seem to wanting to say much (to me anyway). So we haven't discussed how I went at the testing today. So feel like giving him the forks tonight -so to speak. I shouldn't be like this, but men are such boys sometimes...lol... AW is usually very supportive, and I know he's tired, but shit!...I've been going like the clappers physically and mentally, while still looking after an active toddler, cleaning, preparing meals (not just mine), washing...AND....keeping a happy face on to boot! Even when I'm tired, I'm still happy, but AW is such a misery-guts! Hell...what have we got to be miserable about? Nothing!!! How short our memories...hello...Victorian Bushfires and Nth Qld Flooding...loss of home, belongings,LIVES...now that's something to be miserable about!

Even though I've been going like the clappers, I still have had time to do a lot of thinking and contemplating (about life again...as I do). It's been when we've been waiting for a bus, or a train, or like today, coming home on the train. I like to observe people, and I know I shouldn't, but I love listening to their conversations. You can tell alot about people by listening to their conversations. You can also come to appreciate the life you have when you hear the types of lives that others have too.

The great thing about catching the train into the city, is that you get to see what people do in their everyday work lives, and you wonder about their lives and what they find interesting about them, if anything. Are they happy? What are their plans? Do they have any? What are they striving for - everyday catching the same train, at the same time. Faces that look straight ahead...cold, still, unmoving on the outside...but what's going on in their heads on the inside? What books are they reading and why?

And after today...BTW...I didn't get my first preference, which was ambitious (officer position - seems I'm not 'smart enough'), but I qualified for my second and third preferences, and even the jobs are available, so that's a plus. Anyway...after being told that 'officer' wasn't a possibility (at this stage), I was a little disappointed I have to say. All those thoughts of grandeur about what I was going to be doing were shot down in flames. :(

However...on doing some more reflecting on the way home, and some more observing of people, and some more eavesdropping on conversations, I felt strangely at peace. The feeling was almost surreal. All of a sudden, the thought of being an officer wasn't that important in the big scheme of things. I thought about the reasons why I wanted to join the Reserves in the first place - before I knew what my options were. And it was never really about the actual position. It was about the whole lifestyle of the defence forces. The fact that I get to be physically fit as a requirement of the job, while learning new skills all the time...travelling for training...all the outdoor skills you learn...the flexibility of working hours and options as Philomena gets older...the opportunity to give back something of myself to the community at large...and so much more. And the best part of it all...I GET PAID TO DO IT - TAX-FREE! Now that slant on things really puts life into perspective for me. How fortunate am I?

When I got back to the train station, I had to quickly pop into the local bank. It happened to be the bank that I was employed with as a 2IC. And while I was waiting, I did some more observing, and eavesdropping and more contemplation. You see...going back to being a bank officer was originally an option (a safe one) for me, when thinking about returning to the work force. But you know...after today, I thought..."you've got to be kidding yourself Kerry. There's no way you could ever go back to this boring, mundane, life-sucking, slow, strangulating, death wish! You may as well bury me here...right now if that's the picture of my future."

So...what is the meaning of (my) life...I've had some great opportunities to really reflect on this, and well...I still haven't worked it out, but hey, I just love being deep in thought about it all and appreciating all the god-given gifts I have. One of those gifts, is that I have two legs and two arms and I have a normal body. Why am I thinking about this?

You see...on the train, I saw a young height-challenged woman, and I thought to myself...you know Kerry...you are so lucky that you have a what is considered a normal physique with all limbs attached and no major health problems, bodily disfiguration, etc, etc. If I was that young woman, there is no way I would have been able to even contemplate joining the reserves. There's no way I would have been able to physically achieve some of the things that I have achieved in my life. And then I thought about the person who has a disability, or lacks in some way which puts them at a disadvantage, and I thought - well that doesn't mean they can't achieve amazing things - because there are people with physical and mental challenges who have achieved amazing things as well as ordinary things - just like you and I. And when you really, really think about it - these people are people who have accepted their limitations and used their god-given talents to the maximum. And all with a phenomenal kick-butt...no surrender attitude!

So whatever I do, as long as it's something which I feel is unique, varied, interesting, challenging (physically and mentally), creative, opportunistic, inspiring, uplifting, yet still provides balance and flexibility in my life, then I feel my life has meaning. :)

*Phew...feel better now I've got all that off my chest...nitey-nite.